Billy Joe Hunter here. I’ve been researching Costa Rica on the Internet for a couple of months now and have decided to move there pretty soon. I figure why go for a vacation to check it out when I could just move down there and check it out as a permanent vacation? Besides, I can see what it’s like on YouTube, the next best thing to being there.
First, let me tell you that Costa Rica is NOT an island. Well, color me stupid. I thought it was, too. It’s also not spelled Costa Rico, which explains why I was having trouble getting information on the internet at first.
In case you don’t know where it is, Costa Rica is south of Mexico but before you get to South America. If you head to Costa Rica and get to the Panama Canal, you’ve gone too far.
The reason I’m moving to Costa Rica is I read that it’s cheaper to live there than in the U.S. Also, it’s not any hotter than Alabama, where I live now. I also read that beer there is $1 and you can live like a king for $1,000 a month, which is pretty close to my disability check from the state. I figure I’ll make up the difference with the savings I get from shooting my own food in the jungle and eating free bananas and coconuts. I’ll also save money by drinking $1 beer.
I’m still trying to find out if they have NASCAR down there. I can’t imagine they wouldn’t. Who doesn’t like NASCAR? If they don’t have it down there, maybe me and some good old boys could start it. How do I know there’s already good old boys down there? Because beer is $1. In case you don’t know what I mean by good old boys, I mean other people like me who are as country as cornflakes.
My plan is to move down and build a beach shack to live in at first. It won’t have plumbing, but that’s no biggie. The house I live in now doesn’t either. This is a picture of an actual beach shack in Costa Rica I found on the Internet. Not too shabby. I’m sure there’s room for my little shack, since there’s hardly anyone around on the beach in the pictures I’ve seen. Once I’m on the beach I’ll be happier than coon dog on a bare leg.
One thing I can’t do without is electricity, but I read it goes out a lot there so I’m going to bring down a generator. Can’t let my beer get warm, can I? I have to find out if they sell ice down there for my cooler. I don’t know if that’s an American thing. I couldn’t find it in Mexico, either. If it’s not clean ice, and I have to boil it first, that could be a problem. I’m also not sure they have many electrical appliances down there, so I’ll bring my own. I’m bringing my clothes iron down for sure. I made a special stand for it so it sits with the bottom facing up. I just turn it on high and slap a couple of burgers on it. It works pretty good for pancakes and bacon, too. Nothing like seeing a man cooking breakfast on an clothes iron to show a girl he’s a dyed in the wool bachelor. I’ll aso have to find out what the voltage is down there.
I also plan to bring my two security guys down with me to protect my property: Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson. And I can’t forget my “Trespassers Will Be Shot” signs. I figure since I’m an American they won’t mess with me. I read somewhere that Costa Rica is the happiest place in the world. I’m guessing part of the reason is that everybody is armed. That and the dollar beer. I plan to save money by hunting for my food in the jungle, but I think I already mentioned that. I’m not sure what to hunt. I wonder if they have possums down there or something similar?
Another big reason I want to move to Costa Rica is the senoritas. I saw some pictures. They are prime beef. It’ll be good to get away from Earlene, anyway. I’m not saying my girlfriend’s unattractive, but I make sure all the lights are out before we do the horizontal tango, if you know what I mean. Her face looks like 30 miles of bad road.
That brings me to another thing that drew me to Costa Rica: I read prostitution is legal there. I also heard you can hire a maid for like $5 a day, so I bet it’s like double that for sex. I’ve got another plan to save money: hire a laundry lady who is also a hooker. You haven’t had sex until you’ve done it on a washing machine when the load is off balance and the spin cycle is going. That gives me another idea to make money. I could be a gigolo for widowed American women who come down on vacation. I just have to figure out how much my time is worth, if you know what I mean. I don’t want to brag, but my apples fall pretty far from the tree.
I don’t plan to learn the Costa Rican language because I figure people who want to talk to me should know American. All I know in Costa Rican is Poura Vida. From what I can figure out, it’s something you say when you can’t think of the right words, cause they apparently say it a lot. They also have a lot of the same words as the Mexican language does.
I think you can tell from my well-thought-out plans so far that I’m pretty smart. My cousin Cleetus, on the other hand, would have to get smarter just to be stupid. By the way, if you run into him at a NASCAR track, don’t tell him where I went. He follows me around back home and is kind of a pain, bless his heart. Now I understood why his parents moved one day after he went off to school. He came home that afternoon and the house was empty – no furniture, no nothing. He thought they’d be back so he waited two weeks before saying anything to anybody. But I truly understand why they did that to him. He’s like a booger you can’t shake off your finger, bless his heart.
When I fly down there, I plan to fly First Class all the way. First Class for me is having a seat and not flying in the baggage compartment. But that’s another story for another day. All I can say is I hope when I move to Costa Rica I have a lot of “Here, hold my beer and watch this” moments. I just figure life is too short to ignore a place that has $1 beer.
Anyway, I’m still trying to think of what else to bring besides my shooting irons, my cooking iron and my knives. If you have a suggestion, please leave it in the comments below. Also let me know for sure if they have electricity, ice and pickup trucks in Costa Rica.
I’ll be updating this as I make the move so if you want to stay up on how things are going, subscribe to my blog.
P.S. I forgot to mention this video is one of the things that made me want to move to Costa Rico.